Teacher Categorisation Register

Hysterical EFL adverts will often say: ‘TRAVEL THE WORLD!!!’ ‘EXPERIENCE A NEW CULTURE!!!’ ‘SAVE $$$!!! TEACHING KIDS OVERSEAS’

What they fail to mention is the variety of teachers or ‘teachers’ you will encounter upon your hysterical year(s) overseas. There are many categories and sub-categories, so I will merely highlight my personal favourites:

The Recalcitrant Drunk Teacher

The Recalcitrant Drunk (RDT) is obviously unhappy any time when drinking is prohibited. As the classroom is generally considered out of bounds, this puts the RDT in a foul mood, even though they may still be drunk from the night before. Common enemies are both real and imagined and are primarily focused upon the actions of the administration, secondarily upon other foreign teachers, and thirdly upon students. But that’s not all. The citizens of entire countries, usually the one the RDT is currently domiciled in, are also held accountable for their crimes against the RDT. The RDT rarely remains longer than a single year in one job, and will bounce from place to place spinning his tales of woe to anyone stupid enough to listen.

The Gangster Teacher

Quite possible my favourite category. The Gangster Teacher (GT) is normally white, middle class, and from a good family (though North Americans with Asian backgrounds also contribute heavily to this sector). The GT always speaks in inflected ebonics, will at all times practice the ‘pimp roll’, and dress in baggy hip-hop clothing. Referring to Asian women in a derogatory and racist manner is de-rigueur amongst the GT community, as is lying about your success rate with the aforementioned women. The GT will often state how his – and they are always male – aim is to teach ‘da language of da street, yo,’ to second language learners who struggle understanding more standard spoken English, and thus find language peppered with idioms, colloquialisms and slang completely unintelligible. The GT’s background is invariably described as ‘tough,’ because listening to hip-hop demands it to be so; it is unthinkable for the GT to describe his background as a ‘pretty normal middle class upbringing,’ though this is what it actually was.

The Serious Teacher

The Serious Teacher (ST) is strict with his/her students and disciplined in life. They criticise other teachers for drinking or ‘making other foreigners look bad.’ Speeches about being an ‘ambassador of your country’ are given on almost a daily basis. The ST will always spend hours learning the language of the country in which he/she lives, and will smugly whip out their phrases to local serving staff who often respond with looks of incomprehension and point at the pictures on the menu saying ‘you want this?’ The ST prepares lessons timed to the second of perfection, often incorporating seating plans (which while useful with elementary students, seem a tad patronising to university/adult learners). The ST is young and idealistic and will always attend every meeting, get-together and voluntary activity with gusto, ensuring that the majority of staff who employ the ‘make an appearance at the first one and then never go again strategy,’ look bad. The ST is despised by their students and loathed by their colleagues.

The Religious Crackpot Teacher

The Religious Crackpot Teacher (RCT) is a staple amongst foreign teachers in Korea. Being a country infused with evangelical fervour, the RCT is accepted with open arms. The RCT really teaches RE in English. A simple ‘directions’ lesson will utilise a map that includes several churches, Christian bookshops, buildings used for prayer group meetings, and of course heaven – if you go the correct way – and hell – should you go the way of Satan. The RCT always looks like he (it’s always a he) has something to hide, be that an interest in pre-pubescent boys, corpses, or a previous addiction to methamphetamine. The RCT’s presence fills a room like the icy hand of death.

The Hooray For Everything! Teacher

The Hooray For Everything! Teacher (HFET) is a happy, happy, happy blissful ray of positive yummy angel dust gooiness. The HFET sees only the good in the goodliness of good things. Every class she – and they are always women – teaches is ‘super fun happy time!!!’ and students learn at an early age the overuse of exclamation marks. Often adorned in Hello Kitty merchandise, the HFET rarely strays out of Kindergarten teaching, though they may teach elementary school kids at a summer camp, even though some of the older boys might be ‘quite horrid!’ The HFET loves everyone and everything except for horrid little boys. The HFET is always a woman and of the larger variety, and in her spare time enjoys being brutally buggered by Nigerian men.

The Failed Actor Teacher

The Failed Actor Teacher (FAT) just loves to bring drama into the classroom. There’s not a hope in hell the students will have a chance to act out a role-play while the FAT’s in the room. Pronunciation becomes an exercise in over-emphasis and thusly wholly inaccurate rendering by students who think that English is series of staccato vowel sounds, elongated pauses and exaggerated facial ticks. When listening exercises are presented to the FAT’s students, they have no idea what the speakers are saying as their failure to whoop and screech in the manner to which they have become accustomed is absent. As teaching is just another trial thrown at the FAT as they struggle vainly for the world to recognise their talents, FAT’s concentrate their efforts on forming local ex-pat drama groups which torture the expat community with their excreable nights of improv and hideously over-acted dramatical nightmares. The FAT is ever the victim and likes to wear scarves all year ’round, especially inside coffee shops.

The Edutainer Teacher

The Edutainer Teacher (ET) always plays guitar. Always. The ET is the zany cunt who puts on costumes, clowns around, plays guitar, and makes life so much harder for the rest of us who just want to teach, because students will invariably request a song because their previous teacher used to always play songs to them. The ET is a favourite of the local staff, who just love it when he/she gets up at staff events to belt out a ‘couple of songs,’ but ends up playing half a dozen because someone, somewhere clapped. A grimacing experience for the other foreign teachers, which requires copious amounts of alcohol to unlock the tightly clenched teeth afterwards.

The Just Here For The Hookers Teacher

The Just Here For The Hookers Teacher (JHFTHT) is commonplace most obviously in Thailand, but is also frequently spotted in China. The JHFTHT has absolutely no interest whatsoever in teaching. Whatever their sexual peccadilloes may be and whatever it takes to service them is what matters to the JHFTHT; what it takes to service these needs is money. As the JHFTHT is completely lacking in talent or skill of any kind, teaching EFL is an obvious route. The JHFTHT will bounce from school to school, much like his cousin the RDT, and has not the slightest interest in the culture outside of the brothel. The JHFTHT is easily identified as they are always fat, balding, middle aged white guys, with a scruffy appearance and poor personal hygiene.

The Serious Integrator Teacher

The Serious Integrator Teacher (SIT) is seemingly specific to Korea. The SIT supersedes the old school ‘apologist’ who merely defended all things Korean, as the SIT is an extremist who hates all other foreigners with a passion, and truly believes that when Koreans see him they don’t just see another whitey but a brother in arms. All other foreigners are termed as being ‘privileged’ and discredited for being white (despite the SIT always being white and ‘privileged’ and not all foreigners being white). The SIT had never had these thoughts before coming to Korea and acquiring a Korean girlfriend; but the SIT is a master of revisionism and will state that he (always a he) has ‘always’ felt this way about Korea, they ‘chose’ to come to Korea (not that they couldn’t find a job in their home country), and that they have always maintained an abiding hatred of the Japanese. The SIT is a passionate online commentator, though their actual life is very distant from the reality they portray virtually as they have many expat friends who are all white and frequently hang out in expat areas.

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